celebrate: meeting Ella's birth parents

I've shared just a small portion of our adoption story in past posts. I am so grateful to those who have responded. Your comments have given us such hope and encouragement. Thank you!

Our story continues.

About six months ago, we realized that Ella was "stuck" in her play therapy. I remember telling her therapist, Erin, "If I have to play out that story one more time I'm going to freak!" (At that time I was also in the playroom with Ella during therapy.)

Erin just laughed. She asked if I was really ready for a change. I knew what that meant. With change comes emotion. Not just a little emotion, A LOT of emotion from our Ella--spewing everywhere, especially in my face.

Erin could see that Ella had parts of her story that were missing, and suggested we fill in the blanks. We all met together and with a stack of pictures and photos, unfolded Ella's story before her eyes. Erin explained each part so Ella could understand. It was hard to listen to all she had been through when she was so little. Ella was pretty quiet--and then hyper--as she took it all in.

Yes, there was a fall-out--as expected--but it was also very helpful. Ella had very strong, painful emotions associated with her mother, but I was the only mother she remembered. Now she could see, that it wasn't me who hurt her so deeply.

Fast forward, and Ella starts asking more questions about her birth parents. Why did they make bad choices? Do they still make bad choices? She wondered if she wasn't with them because "she wasn't born right." That seriously broke my heart. I could see the little wheels turning in her head and her self-worth being impaired.

We thought perhaps it was time for Ella to "meet" her birth parents. I say meet, only because she didn't remember them. She had pictures and had actually talked to her birth father, Sean, a couple of times, but was still struggling with whether they were "real".

The big day.

For days, Ella shared her feelings as excited, but also nervous. I'd tell her, "Me too!" and we'd giggle. We explained to Ella that she could change her mind at any time and cancel the meeting.

Ella chose to meet at the Family Support and Treatment Center. I was hesitant, but Erin explained it was a very understandable choice, because she feels safe there and it's where she deals with hard things. (Yep, my issue again. :))

Boy, I was pretty serious about getting this right! :)

Lynn, Ella and I arrived early and kept ourselves busy with projects. Erin met with Ella's birth parents, Sean and Daniela, to let them know what to expect.

Soon the door opened, and there they were. Ella ran to me and buried her face in my side. She would sneak little peeks and quickly hide again. Sean and Daniela walked in with huge smiles on their faces. Daniela was trying not to cry, which made me tear up. They talked to Ella quietly and were very patient. Sean gave her a small bouquet of pink roses which kind of broke the ice.

Ella with Erin.

Erin had let Ella choose some activities beforehand, so she knew exactly what would be happening when we were together. We played Ella's favorite game--Chutes and Ladders (I won for once!)--and made a snowflake craft.

Erin is amazing in action. I see it all the time, but couldn't help being even more impressed and grateful as she tracked and validated and guided and directed the entire time. This was all just second hand to her and she was in her element. She is such a gift and blessing to our family.

Ella's favorite part was opening Christmas gifts from Sean and Daniela. She loved her jewelry box, bracelet, pink Uggs, and Merida doll. 

Before we left, Ella wanted a picture of her birth parents. (Those red eyes are from tears of joy. :))

 The ride home was pretty quiet. Ella was taking it all in and processing. At home it was pretty much the same. She showed Madi and Lilah her things and told Kate what we did and that she liked it.

Lynn and I had been looking forward to this day for a very long time. I'm sure that might seem strange to many, but Sean and Daniela are not only Ella's birth parents, they are also our son and daughter-in-law.

It had been a very long time since we were all able to be together. This was an answer to years of prayer on their behalf. To us, it is a miracle. Our children were both once in a very, very bad place and as difficult as it was, we reported their substance abuse to CPS. Ella was placed with us and because Sean and Daniela were unable to meet the requirements of the service plan that was set up with DCFS, we adopted our granddaughter.

It feels so good to have our kids back in our lives. We had talked to them often, but when they came into town, we met somewhere else for lunch or dinner. We spent time almost every day of the week and a half they were here this time visiting together--playing and laughing and dancing (Sean LOVES Just Dance Disney. Okay, not really. :)). And we were able to spend time with our grandson, Karson. Lynn calls him "Tank." He's a wonderful handful.

One of the things we always told our kids was to make good choices. But we also knew they would make mistakes. They quickly learned that if they expected us to enable them, they were big time wrong. Was it difficult to watch them deal with consequences? Unbearable at times. We even met with the city's prosecuting attorney once to say, "Sean needs help, can you please not let him off easily, and require him to go into rehab?" The attorney just looked at us and replied, "Wow...this never happens. Most parents are in here wanting me to be more lenient." My experience has been, that enabling simply prolongs the pain and makes change and healing impossible. I also believe our being "hard-liners" as we were once described, saved our son's life.

But our children have always also known, that if you truly want to change, I will be your biggest support ever. And when you are successful, I will be first in line to celebrate with you. Because I love you, and there's not a thing you can do about it.

This was a day of celebration for us all. Our tears of pain and anguish have turned to tears of joy. Sean and Daniela have been clean for almost four years now, and we are so proud of them. If this were not the case, they would not have been able to see Ella. We want her to be safe and to have healthy relationships.

I could not imagine not thanking my Heavenly Father for this miracle, because I know all blessings come from Him. We are here to build and strengthen our families, and He wants us to be successful. 

remembering: adoption day

 Three years ago today, we adopted our sweet little Ella.

It's taken me this long to be able to write about it. The events leading up to it were heart-breaking, stressful, painful, traumatic, even ridiculous--and yet amazing.

Our home away from home.

The case went on and on, far longer than it should have. We had a judge who was unwilling to make a decision. At the beginning of the case, he called all the lawyers involved to the bench and told them, "Okay, we all know how this is going to end, do you want to just settle?" And yet the case went on for many, many more months.

The other party who wanted to adopt Ella, couldn't. According to the Utah Adoption Act, you have to be a United States citizen in order to adopt a child in Utah. They were illegal immigrants from Mexico. That should have made the case a done deal, but it didn't.

We had multiple concerns beyond that. Among them were:

• Ella had been in kinship foster care with us over 18 months. To pull her from a stable, secure, loving environment, would have been her undoing. 
• The other party could barely speak English. How were they going to communicate effectively with Ella's teachers and therapists? 
• They did not believe in mental health. Ella has special needs due to neglect and a diagnosis of PTSD.  
• The defendants had low-paying jobs, and used false documentation to get those jobs. 
• And most concerning to us, they had kept incidences that had put Ella in harm's way in order to keep their illegal status under the radar.

We had the full support of DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) to move forward with the adoption. The AAG (Assistant Attorney General), who is the attorney for the State and was to represent DCFS, had his own agenda. He threatened us that if we showed any animosity towards the other party, our case would become more difficult than it already was. He had assumed we would have animosity towards the other party. But the AAG felt the need to protect them and we believe was upset with us for hiring our own Child Welfare Attorney when things went crazy. Others involved in the case could give no plausible explanation for his behaviors.

Can you imagine the chaos?

And if it wasn't bad enough for us, our little Ella was feeling out of control with a visitation schedule between us and the other party that was obviously traumatic for her. We sent documentation in the form of writing and videos, and a letter from her therapist, only to have nothing change. We brought up her disturbing behaviors at every Child and Family Team Meeting, arranged for her therapist to attend, begged and pleaded for help for Ella, but nothing changed. Ella had a Guardian Ad Litem to represent her, but she did nothing to protect her. We were frustrated when we heard over and over that if Ella had a different GAL, this wouldn't be happening.

Everything that could have gone wrong with this case, did.

We were forced to go through--and pay for--an extensive custody evaluation. Luckily we passed with flying colors. :) We also went through the stressful process of preparing for trial.

And obviously in the end--the very evening before the trial was to begin--a settlement was reached. The psychologist who did the evaluation, Dr. Jensen, recommended that we adopt Ella. He also told all the attorneys involved, "What the State of Utah has done to this child is beyond ridiculous." That was heart-breaking, but also very validating for us.

I ran into Ella's caseworker awhile back. It was so good to see her. She told me that when caseworkers talk about their worst cases ever, ours still takes the number one spot. 

Ella's caseworker, Christine.

Madi and Pappa.

My brother, Steve, and his family cut their vacation short so they could be there. That meant the world to us.

Our oldest and youngest.

Our attorney (and friend), Paul.

Ella's favorite meal after the hearing.

I look at these photos and realize how exhausted and spent both Lynn and I look. There are times I can't believe we made it through the ordeal. And we couldn't have without the love and support of our friends and family.

And the best therapist--ever--not only during, but after. (The fallout and recovery were pretty brutal.) I miss Bonnie and still think of her often. She was a god-send for both me and Lynn.

It's very difficult to lose control of your life. To have someone else calling the shots and creating unnecessary chaos. To feel both helpless and hopeless at times. But in the end, we knew how things were going to turn out. I know that no matter how much power and control judges and attorneys think they have, Heavenly Father is still in charge. I wish I could say I had unwavering faith throughout the entire process, but I didn't always. I questioned and I got angry and I was scared--a lot. I had never prayed so hard in my life. And peace did come. And even though I had no idea how it was going to happen, I held on to the promise we had been made, that we would raise Ella. Now I can look back and more easily see Heavenly Father's hand in what transpired.

I remember riding home after a hearing that everyone felt confident was going to end the ordeal, only to have the judge--once again--be wishy-washy. We were devastated. I looked at Lynn and said, "Maybe we should just give up. I can't do this any longer." With a very worried look on his face, he replied, "We can't, we'd never forgive ourselves." Through the tears I whispered, "I know. I just needed to say it out loud, so I know I have a choice in all this." Even though I knew what Heavenly Father expected of me, I also knew I still had my free agency. Choosing to keep that covenant with him, gave me power and strength to go on.

I kept going because I knew with all the trauma Ella had experienced already, life would be a challenge for her. But I also knew--because of my own experiences--that the healing process is difficult, but so worth it. I kept going because I wanted her to be raised in the gospel, so she could feel the peace it brings. I knew she would need the guidance of the Holy Ghost throughout her life. And I knew I could help her recognize how that feels. And I wanted her to be sealed to our family forever--and belong.

I'm not gonna lie, we sacrificed a lot. We had been empty nesters for years and really enjoyed our freedom before Ella came to live with us. I had a successful career I loved and often miss. But Heavenly Father has a different plan for me--for us. And I have no greater joy is this world than to know I am on the right path and doing what he wants and needs me to do.

We still don't understand why we had to go through what we did. In time I hope we will. Every day we deal with the backlash of others' poor choices. But we're doing our best. And we couldn't love our little girl more.

We celebrated adoption day on Saturday by going to see the movie Brave, and eating at Ella's favorite restaurant, Chili's. The movie was wonderful and we all loved it. I kept thinking how appropriate not only the title was for the occasion, but how much Merida and Ella look alike. :) She truly is our little princess. (And as feisty as Merida too! :))

Happy Adoption Day, little one. You are so loved.